I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
