Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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