just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
