yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
