I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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