Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
