the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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