I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
