my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
