I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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