"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
