some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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