This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
