She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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