mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
