I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
