It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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