It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
