Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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