the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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