he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
