just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
