I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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