This is not my ceiling
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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