god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize