First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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