I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
