omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
