I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
