Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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