It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
