Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
