sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
