Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
God, I missed his penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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