my shit smells like andre
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So much Jack, so little girl.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
