Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
