What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
