Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
