I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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