I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
