now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
