I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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