Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(734): View more from Michigan

Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection

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(281): View more from Texas

What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I guess God knew he was going to be bald...

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated

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(253): View more from Washington

So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?

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