I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
