im drinking this country out of the recession.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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