Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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