the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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