Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
