I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
