it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize