Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
