i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
