When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
