Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
