I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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