I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize