My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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