one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize