I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
