my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
