she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize