I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
